How to Stop Being Grateful for your Trials

*I talk about religion quite a bit in this post. I would love to hear people’s opinions on what I say, so if you are not my religion or not religious at all, please don’t let that deter you from reading and sharing with me.*

All growing up, and now as adults, we are taught to be grateful for our trials. Especially in church, I heard over and over that trials are given to us by God, like a gift, and we should embrace them with gratitude to learn. I think I believed that was true for a long time because nothing really crazy happened in my life. If the hardest thing I had to do in a week was take a math test, then it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibilities that God gave me that trial. 

When I got to college and my anxiety and depression hit a new high, I started to have questions. 
“Did God give me anxiety and depression on purpose?”
“Does he want me to feel physically ill all the time?”
I started to think about other people’s problems too.
“Does God give babies cancer?”
“Did God want her to get raped?”

I don’t think he does. And I guess whatever higher power you believe in, I don’t think they give you trials either. If I didn’t believe in God, then who exactly is giving me these trials? It just doesn’t add up. 

I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, and I can’t think of any trial that God has specifically given me to watch me suffer and then learn something. I think that trials are a consequence of being a human. Cancer, poverty, depression, illness, etc. As someone that is religious, I think that God can take these trials and creates blessings within them. Despite the terrible, awful, no good things we have to go through, we can learn things, but I do not think we need to be grateful for them. 

It has been really disheartening during this experience with Ethan’s disease to hear people talk about this subject. Just knowing the absolute hell that we have gone through, and then hearing people tell me to be grateful for it, makes me want to scream and pull out all of my hair. How can anyone see Ethan, tired and sick and miserable, and feel good about telling me that God gave us this trial and we need to be grateful for it? Nope. Nope nope nope.

God didn’t make Ethan’s pancreas digest itself. He just didn’t. Has he taken this experience and showed us  other’s kindness? Absolutely. Has he taken this experience and allowed us to learn despite the crushing weight of it all? Yes. 

I’ve heard people say that if they had to go back and experience their trials again, they would because it has allowed them to grow. 

I would not. I would absolutely not go through this again, not for a second. I’m grateful for the tenderness we have experienced, but I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. If there were other ways to learn these lessons, and I think there are other ways, I would choose those. 

I’m grateful for my family, I’m grateful for my wonderful husband, I’m grateful for modern medicine, I’m grateful for people that listen to the gentle promptings of the spirit, but I am not grateful for necrotizing pancreatitis.

*I want to hear your opinions on this topic! Are you religious? Do you think God gives us specific trials? Why or why not? 
Are you atheist? Where do you think trials come from? Do you think there is any merit from having them? Why or why not?*

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