Update: December 2023

It’s been a minute. A really freaking crazy, intense minute. Let’s catch up.

We moved to Logan in May. We spent the summer being close to my sister and her husband which was honestly super nice. My sisters have lived far away from me since I’ve been married, and that’s been hard! In fact, my oldest sister left for her mission while I was in high school, and then moved to Logan pretty soon after she got back. We’ve seen each other when we visit, but it was like our relationship never progressed far from high school Bella. We finally got the chance to get to know each other as adults and that was so nice! 

I transferred my job to another Intermountain facility up in Logan, and it was interesting to see how the company transfers from facility to facility. I had the opportunity to train in CT, and am really close to qualifying for my board exam! I also had a few opportunities to strengthen some areas of work that I felt insecure in.

It was also nice to step away from Utah Valley for a moment because my PTSD from Ethan’s hospitalizations was getting really bad. I couldn’t even go into the building without spiraling into intense panic attacks. The change of scenery was enough to work through some hard emotions, some of which I am still battling. 

Ethan was hospitalized a few times in Logan but we got in contact with some really good doctors that helped with some improvements. Progression is still slow and steady, but we’re getting there, wherever “there” is.

Despite all of the good that came from living in Logan, it came with its own unique challenges. We felt that no matter how hard we tried to progress, we kept running into walls. It was so frustrating because we felt such a draw to move to Logan, and past a certain point we couldn’t move forward with our plans. Problems started to arise around things that we didn’t foresee, such as school, work, illness, and even something that we legally can’t even talk about. 🙈

At a certain point we both finally acknowledged that maybe we should head back to Utah County. It took a while to verbalize it because we felt shame about the situation. I can’t quite explain why we felt this way, but it felt wrong to move back down and apply for my old job. It felt like we had failed or made a mistake. Not only that, but once we verbalized that we should consider moving  in the future, things seemed to get much worse. Physically we were already exhausted, but mentally we were starting to take a big hit. We knew that if we were going to move back down, we would have to move in with my parents. This felt like the biggest blow.

I love my parents so much and honestly they are some of my best friends, but there is a stigma behind moving back in with your parents. I’ve always prided myself on being independent, but here I am, a 24 year old married woman, moving back in with my parents. To be fair, I think that a near death experience and chronic illness is a pretty good excuse. 

Ethan had a hospitalization that was particularly hard, and it made me finally come face to face with our situation and make a decision. I was struggling so intensely that I finally caved and decided that moving back to Utah County to live with my parents was our best option. Within 2 weeks our apartment was packed up and we were headed down to Spanish Fork. 

Of course nothing comes easy, so Ethan was hospitalized the night before our move. Once he was settled into his hospital room and had adequate pain management, I headed home, got 2 hours of sleep, and picked up the U-Haul. We packed the apartment and cleaned it, then I loaded the cats into the car and started to head out. That night the snow was coming down so hard that they closed the canyon and the only way out was a backroad that I wasn’t very familiar with. I was also so emotionally exhausted from everything that had happened that I just couldn’t stop crying long enough to have clear sight of the road. Luckily my mom was still in Logan, so she took my cats down to Spanish Fork while I stayed in the hospital with Ethan. I was glad that I stayed because me and Ethan had a really good, honest conversation about things that needed to be said, we just hadn’t been able to with everything else happening in our lives. 

After a few days in the hospital, with no deodorant and the same pair of clothes we had worn for several days, we were able to head down to Spanish Fork.

I’m back to work at Utah Valley, and we are still trying to unpack our belongings at my parents house. I’m not sure how I’ll feel in a few months, or even a few weeks, but right now, I’m feeling better than I have felt in a long time. I’m trying to take care of myself better, allowing myself to sleep in and take things more slow. It’s difficult because I know that moving has not stopped any of our problems. We still have unanswered questions about Ethan’s illness, and there are a lot of unknowns in our future. I hope that we can take the time we need to rest, and that one day things will be more calm. 

We are so grateful for everyone that has helped us in their own ways. Whether it’s been donations or prayers or crystals or even thinking of us, we feel grateful for it all. Our goals right now are to unpack, have a relaxing Christmas, make some new friends and get together with old friends, and then maybe take a vacation together alone. We haven’t done that for 2 years now. 

I can’t wait until we will look back at this stage of life and see all of the blessings and be grateful, but right now I’m just grateful for this small moment of peace.