Just Wait

 When you get accepted to college, or get your mission call, or get married, or have a baby, or when any big change happens in your life, there are 2 things people love to do:

1.  Celebrate you, say congratulations, give you a hug, give you a card, etc.

…then…

2. Tell you in exact, excruciating detail how much life is going to suck immediately following this brief moment of joy.

When me and Ethan got married, we heard a lot of comments from people, like:

“Just wait, you love each other now, but just give it 5 years.”

“Just wait, the first year will be the hardest.”

“Just wait, you won’t always be so cuddly with each other.”

“Just wait until she starts giving you a honey-do list.” 

“Just enjoy your time now, because when you have kids you’ll fight all the time.”

I was shocked and disturbed by how many people would tell us such disheartening advice. And not just people we were close with, but people we barely knew. 

Here’s the thing: people know that life is hard, you don’t have to remind them. 

Sure the first year of marriage was tricky, but it was wonderful! We didn’t have to say goodnight anymore, we ate dinner together every night, and we built forts and had movie nights in our living room. Best of all, I would roll over in bed every morning and Ethan was right there. I loved our first year of marriage, but because we had been warned so many times of the impending doom that lurked just around the corner, I kept waiting for the ball to drop. The anticipation, although not consciously thought of, was there. Small problems felt bigger, because I think my brain was trying to justify what everyone had told us, that marriage was extremely hard and we would eventually not be able to tolerate each other. 

Then Ethan was hospitalized.

Suddenly, I couldn’t imagine ever relating to those comments. 

“Just wait, you love each other now, but give it 5 years.” 

I didn’t know how much time we had left together, and making it to 5 years didn’t seem possible. 

“Just wait, thefirst year will be the hardest”

The first year seemed like a walk in the park. I longed desperately for those days.

“Just wait, you won’t always be so cuddly with each other.” 

I tried my best to hold Ethan’s hand when they were tied down to the bed to prevent him from taking his tubes out. We didn’t hug for months. 

“Just wait until she starts giving you a honey-do list.” 

I missed doing projects with my best friend. Most days it felt hard to shower and brush my teeth, let alone get anything done around the house.

“Just enjoy your time now, because when you have kids you’ll fight all the time.”

Getting Ethan back to a stable life felt impossible, and the idea of creating new life had never been so unimportant to us. Raising a child with my husband, one that would have parts of both of us, sounded wonderful. But it was a future I no longer thought was possible.

When people make these comments they don’t intend them to be detrimental. In fact, people generally mean well by them. They think that they are giving you some kind of warning, a bit of advice that will help you down the road. A majority of the time these comments are not helpful, and most often reveal the problems that that person is struggling to work through in their personal life.

Now, I’m by no means saying that hardships and problems should not be addressed. Of course they should! No one should feel alone in their struggles, and no one should be raised to believe that life, marriage, and children will be a walk in the park. (Which unless you have had a very privileged, sheltered, and miraculous life, you will know this). I just think there are better things to say.

If you have a friend that is expecting a baby, instead of saying, “Enjoy your sleep now, because when baby comes you won’t sleep at all,” try saying, “I’m so excited for you, but I know that babies can be a handful. I’ll make some plans with you to come take care of things at your home so you can rest when the baby arrives.”

If you know someone that is getting married, instead of saying, “You won’t be in the honeymoon stage forever,” try saying, “Congratulations! I loved my first year of marriage and celebrating all of our firsts together. If it feels hard to adjust sometimes, know that you aren’t alone and I am a safe person to talk to and ask questions.”

Life is hard enough without constant reminders. I hope that we can all be a bit better about helping to uplift people instead of instilling dread. Life is wonderful and complicated and beautiful. No one needs to “just wait” for bad things to happen to them.