A Little Too Real, Sorry

*TW: Suicidal ideation*

Well. The last 2 weeks have been absolutely, hellishly, nightmarish. I’ve been on a mental decline since the beginning of our journey, but recently it has felt like I’ve strapped on a pair of skis and am hurtling down the mountain side. And I don’t know how to ski. And there’s a shark infested lake at the bottom. I have absolutely reached my limit, and I think everyone around me has started to notice.
I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. My old coping mechanisms just don’t cut it and I’m starting to run out of hope. I talked to my therapist about my concerns and she has had me take an assessment every week to see where I rank on a suicidal ideation scale. The numbers have been slowly creeping up.
One night I was so overwhelmed and so tired of feeling numb, I laid down on my kitchen floor and forced myself to watch “Marley and Me” just so I would have a reason to cry. Spoiler alert: the dog dies at the end.
I laid on the kitchen floor for 4 hours and cried. Just an absolute lumpy mess. When Ethan walked in he was shocked and scared, understandably so, but I wouldn’t talk to him. I couldn’t talk to him. My mouth couldn’t form the words. The only thing I could think about was the medical marijuana edibles in my fridge. I wanted to take 5 and just sleep and not have to think. It was terrifying.
I went to therapy the next morning and took my assessment. I scored a 5/5 for suicidal ideation and crisis. I asked to be hospitalized. The weight of my life and circumstances were crushing me. She gave me some resources, talked to me about what it would mean to be hospitalized, and then told me she had an idea that might be better. “Just take a vacation.” 
Now, this is where I am going to say that if you are having suicidal thoughts, please do not read this blog post as permission to dismiss them and just go on a trip. I sought professional help, and so should you. My therapist has worked with me for a while, and knew this was a good answer for me. This may not be a good answer for you.
I went home and my mom came over. I told her everything that happened and she immediately found a place for us to go to get away from life for a minute. My boss and supervisor were so understanding and allowed me to take the time off to leave and recover. I had zero responsibilities. My friend scheduled for someone to come over and clean my home. 
Coming back home has been hard, but things are a minuscule lighter. I am still so stressed, beyond tears. I wish my life didn’t look like this, but it does. I have better resources, a great support system, and am safe.
I hope that in writing this, someone can relate. I hope someone finds solace in my experience and feels a little less alone. 
Life is scary right now. I don’t know what’s going to happen and that terrifies me. I am safe, and right now, that is all that matters.

If you or someone you know may be struggling with suicidal thoughts, you can call the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) any time day or night, or chat online. Crisis Text Line also provides free, 24/7, confidential support via text message to people in crisis when they dial 741741

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline


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