Bella’s Brain and Other Nonsense

 When you get accepted to college, or get your mission call, or get married, or have a baby, or when any big change happens in your life, there are 2 things people love to do: 1.  Celebrate you, say congratulations, give you a hug, give you a card, etc. …then… 2. Tell you in exact, excruciating detail how much life is going to suck immediately following this brief moment of joy. When me and Ethan got married, we heard a lot of comments from people, like: “Just wait, you love each other now, but just give it 5 years.” “Just wait, the first year will be the hardest.” “Just wait, you won’t always be so cuddly with each other.” “Just wait until she starts giving you a honey-do list.”  “Just enjoy your time now, because when you have kids you’ll fight all the time.” I was shocked and disturbed by how many people would tell us such disheartening advice. And not just people we were close with, but people we barely knew.  Here’s the thing: people know that life is hard, you ...

*TW: Suicidal ideation* Well. The last 2 weeks have been absolutely, hellishly, nightmarish. I’ve been on a mental decline since the beginning of our journey, but recently it has felt like I’ve strapped on a pair of skis and am hurtling down the mountain side. And I don’t know how to ski. And there’s a shark infested lake at the bottom. I have absolutely reached my limit, and I think everyone around me has started to notice. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. My old coping mechanisms just don’t cut it and I’m starting to run out of hope. I talked to my therapist about my concerns and she has had me take an assessment every week to see where I rank on a suicidal ideation scale. The numbers have been slowly creeping up. One night I was so overwhelmed and so tired of feeling numb, I laid down on my kitchen floor and forced myself to watch “Marley and Me” just so I would have a reason to cry. Spoiler alert: the dog dies at the end. I laid on the kitchen floor for 4 hours and cried. ...

Hi there! I didn’t expect to see you tonight! No that’s okay, come on in. Just as long as you don’t judge me too harshly, my house is a mess. Please take your shoes off, we don’t want to track in anything unwanted like dirt or leaves or crippling self image. You can just leave them by the stacks of feeding tube supplies and the pile of stuff without a place to go.  Please take a seat. Don’t mind the pile of trash and miscellaneous items on the couch, or the makeshift couch bed, or the boxes of Christmas decorations on the ground, haha. We are so awful. You must hate us. Please don’t hate us.  I would offer to make you dinner but I can’t remember the last time I washed dishes. I’ve just been too emotionally drained lately. Get it? Drained? Haha, please think I’m funny. I am normally so good at being a functioning adult human.  Oh that? That’s just our pile of Christmas gifts we haven’t moved for 2 weeks. I know, awful huh? Just say I’m disgusting, I know you want to. You’l...

Until my experience in the hospital with Ethan I don’t think I really knew what it meant to mourn with those that mourn, to succor someone in their time of need. I honestly will still need practice when I am ready to look outside my own bubble again. *This is not written about any experience in particular. This is based solely on my opinion and personality.* Here are lists of things we found extremely helpful, and a little less helpful, during our experience: A LITTLE LESS HELPFUL: “Let me know if you need anything.” I really struggle to ask for help, so this was not it for me. I would rather suffer than tell someone I need something. Also, it just felt like another job on my to-do list. When people texted or called me and expected me to reply, it was so stressful. Example: “How are you doing?” or “Do you have any updates?”. Again, felt like a chore, and also like people where just very interested in having information rather than helping.  Asking “What day do you want me to drop d...