Bella’s Brain and Other Nonsense

*TW: exercise, body dysmorphia, weight gain* I’ve never had a good relationship with exercise. In my mind, exercising is what you would do to lose weight, or punish yourself for having a “bad” food day. I played softball growing up, and did other various athletic activities, but gym was always slightly traumatizing for me.   I wasn’t necessarily overweight as a kid, but I wasn’t skinny by any means. I was always squishy with a nice round butt. I was a medium girl. Medium girls don’t get portrayed in the media often. Just kidding, they totally do; as fat girls. Examples include: Harper from Wizards of Waverly Place Bridget Jones from Bridget Jones’ Diary Andy from Devil Wears Prada Mindy Kaling from The Office I could seriously write a whole book with all of these women. We’re taught that medium women are fat. That’s messed up. So despite my body being very medium my whole life, I thought I was fat. I started to develop pretty severe body dysmorphia when I was in Jr. High. This...

*I talk about religion quite a bit in this post. I would love to hear people’s opinions on what I say, so if you are not my religion or not religious at all, please don’t let that deter you from reading and sharing with me.* All growing up, and now as adults, we are taught to be grateful for our trials. Especially in church, I heard over and over that trials are given to us by God, like a gift, and we should embrace them with gratitude to learn. I think I believed that was true for a long time because nothing really crazy happened in my life. If the hardest thing I had to do in a week was take a math test, then it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibilities that God gave me that trial.  When I got to college and my anxiety and depression hit a new high, I started to have questions.  “Did God give me anxiety and depression on purpose?” “Does he want me to feel physically ill all the time?” I started to think about other people’s problems too. “Does God give babies cancer?” “D...

 *I will swear in this post. I think it is highly appropriate for my situation. If you disagree, please don’t talk to me about it. Just gossip about me like a regular person.* Ethan was checked into the hospital on April 3, 2022. There were many ER visits before they could find out what was wrong, and I can’t count how many times doctors told us they couldn’t do anything because nothing was abnormal. I would always tell Ethan that he was probably just a hypochondriac or bad at managing pain. It got harder and harder to believe him, because like the doctors would say, everything seemed normal. It was extremely frustrating and exhausting before the shit even hit the fan.  I won’t go through the timeline of events because it is so long, and also because I honestly can’t remember a lot of it. Just know it was hard. Like, your first break up hard. Or, the love of your life can’t talk to you or move because he has so many tubes going into his body and throat and he could die at any ...

 Hey. I’m Bella. I’m a 23 year old girl with a lot of emotions. I have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life and am medicated for it. I work as a Radiologic Technologist and have an affinity for the morbid parts of life. I am married to Ethan, who is my absolute best friend. He is the funniest person I have ever met, second only to me. We have a cat named Sophie and she is a menace. But we love her.  At this very moment I am sitting in an Emergency Room with Ethan. He has Necrotizing Pancreatitis. Hospitals are unfortunately our second home at this point. This has been a very frustrating and exhausting year for us. I want to use this blog to help me cope with some hard things, as well as share our experiences. Not just with this disease, but with all of the hard parts of life. I dislike that as a community, we have cultivated a space where it is awkward and taboo to share the deep things. I wish more people shared about their struggles so that we can morn togethe...